I don't want to be writing this. I don't want this to be my story. Last Monday, at 19 weeks, I learned that the baby I was carrying would never be with us on earth.
About two and a half weeks before this I had had an ultrasound. I watched as the technician checked my baby over: a perfect spine, perfect arms and legs with feet crossed at the ankle, perfect little face, perfect heart, kidneys, bladder, etc. As far as my untrained eye could see, my baby was perfect and moving so so much. Some time in the next two weeks, that tiny little heart stopped beating.
Our third son, Gabriel David McCollough, was born July 3, 2012 weighing 5 oz. and 8 in. long.
I was surrounded by friends and family as I held him for the first and last time and tried to memorize all his features. In that moment I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and I find myself wishing I could go back to that time. We took pictures for Paul because unfortunately the kids and I are visiting family in Arkansas and his school would not let him come be with us.
Since then I have gone through so many emotions. I have tried to explain to a 4 year old why the baby he was so excited about is no longer in my tummy and won't be coming to live with us. It appeared that Gabriel had a growth/fluid at the base of his skull, but we will never know for sure what caused his death. We rest in knowing he is safe in heaven and I will be looking forward to the day I hold him in my arms again.
What a beautiful tribute to your little one. I got so teary reading this. You have been the picture of grace and faith Keri and I'm sorry that I didn't know what to say when I saw you or that I still don't. Love you and praying for you. I can't imagine how hard it is to explain to the proud big brother. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh Keri I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am praying for you. I know that may be of little comfort when you're so hurt, but I just wanted you to know we love and care for you. HUG from Singapore.
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