The last three weeks have been hard. The first two I was dealing with postpartum hormones and extreme, raw grief. I had absolutely no patience with my boys and every little thing made me cry. I tried so hard not to cry in front the kids, but I was not successful. I know this made it harder on Bentley, and he had some behavioral issues come up. The 24 hours I was in the hospital is the longest I have ever been away from Chance so he has been super clingy to me. I wish I knew what their minds were thinking. I was very honest with Bentley about what happened, but he hasn't really said a lot about it.
Now I kind of feel stuck. It's a long story, but our vehicle has been in the shop for 3 weeks now so we are still in Arkansas. I haven't even been able to hug the one person who is experiencing the same loss as I am. I am beyond ready to go home.
I find myself avoiding people other than really close friends and family. I've run into many people I know and it's just awkward. I know they don't know what to say, Most people don't say anything at all, and honestly, this is the worst thing they could do. Even some family members I've seen never said a word. The best reaction came from one of my aunts who simply gave me a hug and said, "I'm so sorry." Yes it made me cry, but that's okay. I had a baby, and I don't want to pretend like it didn't happen. I enjoy talking about him because the memories are all I have.
A piece of my heart is missing, and I am learning how to move forward knowing that is how it will be for the rest of my life.
How awful, to still be away from Paul. Sigh. There are no words, but I think of you often and pray for your strength as you move on from this. I understand not wanting to see anyone much. Love you and hoping you get back to your husband soon. Also praying for patience as your hormones level out. Hugs.
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