It's Been Awhile

It has been almost a year since I posted on here. That is about to change though, because our family is about to experience our first deployment. It's amazing that we made it over 6 years without Paul being deployed, but his time has come. This blog is going to be a way for me to keep him updated on the kids. More on that to come. First, a little catching up.

We moved, again. There has to be at least 4 other posts with those exact words. Crazy. Actually, we've moved twice since I last posted. Hopefully it will be a couple years before I can say that again.

Bentley is almost 6 (yikes) and in Kindergarten. I am homeschooling him and so far it is going just okay. I am praying it gets better and he grows to love learning. He has lost his first two teeth.

 Chance is 3 and keeping me very busy. Worrying about him keeps me up at night, but that will have to be another post.

We have a new addition to our family. Aria was born July 11. I feel like the transition from 1 to 2 kids went easier than 2 to 3 has gone, but we are figuring things out. She is such a blessing and will need a post of her own.

 

 

It won't be so long before the next one, I promise.

Some Fun Things

We have been extremely busy since we made it back to Arizona. I wanted to backtrack a little and post some pictures from our time in Arkansas. This trip was just one bad thing after another. I was scared to think of what else could possibly go wrong, because it probably would have happened. All I see when I look at my boys though is innocence, and I did not want to burden them with adult emotion. So they spent a lot of time with my family and I tried to do some fun things with them.

We went to my uncle's pool several times, and one day my sister and I took all three boys to an indoor water park. They all had a blast. Bentley surprised me by wanting to go down this huge water slide.

My sister took him up to the top and sent him down. He loved it and did it about 100 more times. Here he is coming down it. He looks so small.

Chance enjoyed the smaller slides and splashing in the water.

I have been horrible about getting my camera out and just taking pictures of day to day things. My goal is to get more pictures of the kids with family next time we are in Arkansas.

Since Then

The last three weeks have been hard. The first two I was dealing with postpartum hormones and extreme, raw grief. I had absolutely no patience with my boys and every little thing made me cry. I tried so hard not to cry in front the kids, but I was not successful. I know this made it harder on Bentley, and he had some behavioral issues come up. The 24 hours I was in the hospital is the longest I have ever been away from Chance so he has been super clingy to me. I wish I knew what their minds were thinking. I was very honest with Bentley about what happened, but he hasn't really said a lot about it.

Now I kind of feel stuck. It's a long story, but our vehicle has been in the shop for 3 weeks now so we are still in Arkansas. I haven't even been able to hug the one person who is experiencing the same loss as I am. I am beyond ready to go home.

I find myself avoiding people other than really close friends and family. I've run into many people I know and it's just awkward. I know they don't know what to say, Most people don't say anything at all, and honestly, this is the worst thing they could do. Even some family members I've seen never said a word. The best reaction came from one of my aunts who simply gave me a hug and said, "I'm so sorry." Yes it made me cry, but that's okay. I had a baby, and I don't want to pretend like it didn't happen. I enjoy talking about him because the memories are all I have.

A piece of my heart is missing, and I am learning how to move forward knowing that is how it will be for the rest of my life.

I Held an Angel

I don't want to be writing this. I don't want this to be my story. Last Monday, at 19 weeks, I learned that the baby I was carrying would never be with us on earth.

About two and a half weeks before this I had had an ultrasound. I watched as the technician checked my baby over: a perfect spine, perfect arms and legs with feet crossed at the ankle, perfect little face, perfect heart, kidneys, bladder, etc. As far as my untrained eye could see, my baby was perfect and moving so so much. Some time in the next two weeks, that tiny little heart stopped beating.

Our third son, Gabriel David McCollough, was born July 3, 2012 weighing 5 oz. and 8 in. long.

I was surrounded by friends and family as I held him for the first and last time and tried to memorize all his features. In that moment I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and I find myself wishing I could go back to that time. We took pictures for Paul because unfortunately the kids and I are visiting family in Arkansas and his school would not let him come be with us.

Since then I have gone through so many emotions. I have tried to explain to a 4 year old why the baby he was so excited about is no longer in my tummy and won't be coming to live with us. It appeared that Gabriel had a growth/fluid at the base of his skull, but we will never know for sure what caused his death. We rest in knowing he is safe in heaven and I will be looking forward to the day I hold him in my arms again.

All About Chance

A month ago Chance turned 2 years old. He seems so big, but in many ways he does not seem like a two year old. He has come so far in the last 6 months with the therapies we have had him in, but he is still considered severely delayed in communication and social interaction. This is very hard for me to admit because I think I have been in denial for some time. Some days I find myself thinking something might be wrong with him, and some days I just think he's a little behind. At his two year checkup we were referred to not only a speech therapist, but also a pediatric psychologist and a developmental pediatrician to have him evaluated for Autism. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing, it is not life threatening, but I am scared out of my mind.

I have not talked to anyone about this, even family. I don't want anyone to view my baby differently or feel sorry for him. I will have to though. He is old enough that people notice when he acts differently and that he doesn't do all the "normal" two year old things.

What he does do is make me laugh every day. He loves to snuggle at bed time and he loves to help me with dishes and laundry. He also loves to aggravate his big brother. For a couple days he refused to eat until I figured out that he was claiming his independence and had to feed himself. He now sleeps in a big boy bed, even if it is a struggle to get him to stay in it.

He is a sweetheart and we love him no matter what.

Basketball Hoopie

I mailed this photo strip to our families a couple weeks ago to announce our very exciting news. We wanted to tell everyone at the same time, and since we couldn't tell them in person I thought this was a fun idea. It made for some interesting phone calls because a few of them did not quite get it.

Bentley is so excited that we are going to have a new baby. When we first told him, he declared the baby's name would be "Basketball Hoopie." We just laughed, but he has stuck with this name for several weeks. I think he may be disappointed when we don't actually use it.

Catching Up

So much has happened since I last posted, I have no idea where to begin. First of all, we moved. We went from the sunny beaches of San Diego to the desert of Arizona. It has been a difficult adjustment, and it is taking me forever to get our house in order. Bentley has said many times that he wants to go back to San Diego. We got here right when school got out so he won't go back to preschool until August, and the summer program they have is full. There are a lot of neighborhood kids for him to play with though, and we are looking for a church here.

I have many more posts I need to do, so I will just post pictures from the last couple months.

We moved in two phases, and phase one we sent all our furniture. We would find Bentley sleeping all over his room, usually anywhere but on the bed.

Best garage sale find! I knew the boys would love one of these, but could not justify how much they cost. I saw this on the way to get donuts one morning and made Paul stop and get it.

We are so happy to finally have a yard. Bentley has had this power wheels for two years and now finally has a place to ride it.

2016

Paul has officially re-enlisted for another 4 years in the Marine Corps. He is going to be changing jobs, so now we are waiting to find out when we will be moving to Arizona for his school. This decision followed a lot of prayers, late night talks, and tears (on my part), but we feel it is best for our family at this point. And besides, he looks pretty good in the uniform.

4

A few weeks ago my baby turned 4 years old! I can't believe it.

He is funny, sweet, ornery, sneaky, and affectionate all rolled into one. He loves dinosaurs and zombies (why?). His favorite toys are blocks and cars. Even though he earns time on the ipod for going to bed like a "big boy," he is constantly asking to play it or watch a movie on it. He loves to help with cooking, dishes, laundry, etc. He is so sweet with other children that are smaller than him, except for Chance. They fight. He is in preschool for 3 hours, 4 days a week, and he absolutely loves it. He takes a nap maybe once a week. He is tall (42 in) and skinny (31 lbs). His favorite foods are waffles, broccoli, salad, and any pasta. He is talking so much better and is about to graduate from speech therapy outside of school. He had to get 3 shots at his checkup. It was a very bad experience for both of us.

He had been asking to go to Chuck E Cheese for his birthday for months, so that's where we went. He LOVED it and now wants to go every day. Then we went to ToysRUs for a crown and balloon. He picked out some tools.

He took cupcakes to school on his birthday. Several presents came in the mail that week and we had cake at home. He's already been asking when it will be his birthday again.

Progress!

For the last 5 weeks Chance and I have been going to a communication therapy that emphasizes parent training. Basically, they are teaching me how to teach him. He is now doing three signs and giving me lots of opportunities to model language for him. Best of all, today he said his first word!!! He says mama and dada quite a bit, but we aren't really sure if he's just babbling or actually meaning to say mama or dada. This morning though, after he was finished with his breakfast he knew that his milk came next, and he actually asked for it. He knows the sign and usually just does that, but today he said milk. Paul was feeding him so I didn't hear it, but he was willing to repeat it again for me. Then he said it again after lunch, and again after dinner. We are so excited and hoping many more words follow.

Stress Relief

With all of the appointments and worry we've had over the last couple months I was needing a way to spend some time alone with my thoughts. I've always been a little crafty, but I have lots and lots of ideas and have trouble focusing my attention on one project. I like to paint and sew and when I see something I like, I just have to find a way to make it. 

I saw websites for custom painted letters for a nursery or child's room and I just had to have them. One problem, they are very expensive. I had never painted a canvas before, but I thought it couldn't be that hard. So I paint these for Chance's room. I had to disclose Chance's name to Kayla so she could help me design them, but overall it wasn't too hard.

I was so thrilled when Kayla found out she was having a girl because I had been wanting to try to make bows and a dress. Check and check. I have many more dresses on my list of things to try and I am now addicted to looking at girly fabric.

I have been looking for a purse ever since mine was stolen over a year ago. I had only had that one for a couple weeks and am still a little bitter over losing it like that. I am picky with my purses and do not like to spend very much on them. Now that Chance is old enough I don't have to carry a diaper bag everywhere, I was really needing a new one. So I decided to just make myself one. It is the perfect size and I was able to make pockets just the right size for my wallet, keys, and phone.

I have a new nephew coming in October and I wanted to make something for him. I asked my sister if I could try to make bedding for her and she agreed. She wanted a pooh theme and this is what I came up with.

There is a matching quilt too that I somehow didn't get a picture of. It is far from perfect, but I am pleased with it. I learned a lot and really want to do another one for more practice.

I am working on Bentley's room, which I will share in a later post. I have several projects in the works now, and a pretty long list of more for after that. I have enjoyed relieving stress in a more productive way than eating ice cream in front of the TV.

Back to Work

Paul had surgery 5 weeks ago, and this is his first week back at work. The kids and I miss having him here, but I admit it's nice to be back to our normal routine and have the house back in order.

He had been having pain in his hip and lower back for almost a year before they found out what was wrong. Basically, the cartilage cushioning the hip socket was displaced and the bones were rubbing on each other. The "ball" on his leg bone had a flat part where it had been rubbing on the hip socket. They were able to fix it, but the recovery has been brutal. I joked that his schedule of meds and physical therapy was more demanding than a newborn (but really it was). He had to spend 6 hours a day in a machine that moved his leg up and down to prevent scar tissue from forming, and I had to rotate his leg 20 times both ways, 5 times a day.

He was on crutches up until this week, but still can only put partial weight on his leg. I definately took for granted how "much" he helps me. I put much in quotes because I still wouldn't say he helps a ton, but some is more than the not-at-all I've had for the last 5 weeks. Usually we tag team bedtime and each put one down. I'm very ready for that again. I've been short changing both boys with a very abreviated bedtime routine.

Where I've Been

I have been avoiding my blog. There has been so much going on I didn't know what to say. Of course my life isn't all rainbows and butterflies, but I didn't want to spread my negativity. The last month has been hard, but thankfully it's all coming around.

Chance had his one year appointment a little late and it brought some news I wasn't prepared for. At every appointment they use a machine to take a picture of the kids eyes. At his 9 mo. checkup it showed a slight abnormality that the doctor decided to keep watching. At this appointment it was much much worse, and he also failed another measurement they check. We were referred to an opthamologist. His pediatrician was also concerned that Chance has yet to say a single word, no mama, dada, nothing. He also doesn't make very many different sounds. We were referred to an audiologist and speech pathologist.

After that appointment we had many more appointments with various specialists and the early intervention people. His hearing appears to be ok, but he had fluid so they have to recheck in 3 months. His eyes were not okay. He has severe astigmatism (same as Paul had). The doctor told us it was up to us if we wanted glasses. When I told him we might wait, he changed his mind and said he really recommends it. He showed me how Chance sees and we decided to get him glasses. Glasses are really no big deal, but it has really bothered me. I knew at some point all of our kids would probably need glasses. Paul got them at age 5. I wear glasses, but did not need them until age 20. Truthfully, Paul probably needed them at Chance's age, but no one knew. I didn't want something on my baby's face hiding his bright blue eyes and taking away from his cuteness. I know that sounds silly, but it's how I feel. It is a constant challenge to try to figure out how to get him to wear them. He's averaged about 30 minutes a day before he throws a huge fit when we get them out. He looks really adorable though.

I did not spring for the extra $100 anti-glare lenses. We got the rubber frames and they have held up so far to him pulling them off a million times. I told Paul I want to gift all of our kids LASIK when they get old enough since we cursed them with bad eyes.

The talking issue is still ongoing. He was evaluated by several people and found to be severely delayed. He is too young for any kind of therapy, but he is being monitored and I'm good with that. What upsets me is I already know what it's like to have a nonverbal child. I have been so intentional with Chance, and he has been exposed to so much more language than Bentley was. I feel like I have failed, again. I will get over it, and he will talk. So far they do not see any specific reason why he isn't trying to talk so we wait.

When we haven't been running around to appointments, we have been enjoying the wonderful weather here. We got Bentley a new bike and he asks every day if he can ride his "mater bike." It's too cute to resist.

Chance's Birthday

I didn't expect too much from Chance's birthday because it was just us and my mom and Bentley's birthday celebration went like this:

He did not like all the attention on him and refused to even try his cake. Chance, however, loves attention and inherited my love for all things sweet. He completely destroyed his cake before even trying a bite, and then decided to eat some of it. Paul is not a big fan of the "smash cake" idea and says whoever came up with it must not have had to clean up the mess. A month later I am still finding dried up frosting in random places.

He didn't understand the concept of presents, but Bentley didn't mind opening them. They both share a love of giraffes. Chance's squinty-eyed laugh makes us all smile.

My grandma always gave my sister and I a gift on the other's birthday so we wouldn't feel left out. My mom is carrying on this tradition and gave Bentley this dinosaur. It never leaves his side, day or night.

Here are Chance's monthly pictures (I didn't get the stickers until he was almost 2 months old):