Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Since Then

The last three weeks have been hard. The first two I was dealing with postpartum hormones and extreme, raw grief. I had absolutely no patience with my boys and every little thing made me cry. I tried so hard not to cry in front the kids, but I was not successful. I know this made it harder on Bentley, and he had some behavioral issues come up. The 24 hours I was in the hospital is the longest I have ever been away from Chance so he has been super clingy to me. I wish I knew what their minds were thinking. I was very honest with Bentley about what happened, but he hasn't really said a lot about it.

Now I kind of feel stuck. It's a long story, but our vehicle has been in the shop for 3 weeks now so we are still in Arkansas. I haven't even been able to hug the one person who is experiencing the same loss as I am. I am beyond ready to go home.

I find myself avoiding people other than really close friends and family. I've run into many people I know and it's just awkward. I know they don't know what to say, Most people don't say anything at all, and honestly, this is the worst thing they could do. Even some family members I've seen never said a word. The best reaction came from one of my aunts who simply gave me a hug and said, "I'm so sorry." Yes it made me cry, but that's okay. I had a baby, and I don't want to pretend like it didn't happen. I enjoy talking about him because the memories are all I have.

A piece of my heart is missing, and I am learning how to move forward knowing that is how it will be for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I Held an Angel

I don't want to be writing this. I don't want this to be my story. Last Monday, at 19 weeks, I learned that the baby I was carrying would never be with us on earth.

About two and a half weeks before this I had had an ultrasound. I watched as the technician checked my baby over: a perfect spine, perfect arms and legs with feet crossed at the ankle, perfect little face, perfect heart, kidneys, bladder, etc. As far as my untrained eye could see, my baby was perfect and moving so so much. Some time in the next two weeks, that tiny little heart stopped beating.

Our third son, Gabriel David McCollough, was born July 3, 2012 weighing 5 oz. and 8 in. long.

I was surrounded by friends and family as I held him for the first and last time and tried to memorize all his features. In that moment I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and I find myself wishing I could go back to that time. We took pictures for Paul because unfortunately the kids and I are visiting family in Arkansas and his school would not let him come be with us.

Since then I have gone through so many emotions. I have tried to explain to a 4 year old why the baby he was so excited about is no longer in my tummy and won't be coming to live with us. It appeared that Gabriel had a growth/fluid at the base of his skull, but we will never know for sure what caused his death. We rest in knowing he is safe in heaven and I will be looking forward to the day I hold him in my arms again.